Mommy & Me

This month Baby Sis made 5 months on the outside. It’s also the anniversary of when I found out I was pregnant. I’m truly surprised at how much things change in just a year. I used to be cool. I used to rock crop tops and knew my favorite bartenders by name. I used to leave the house at 10 and run drunkenly down Chicago sidewalks. Now one glass of wine makes me all warm. I can see poop on my hand and not think twice about it. I can tell if sis has a fever just putting my bottom lip on her forehead.

I’m different because I’m a mom. This time last year I was telling my husband that I was pregnant. Being knocked up in a pandemic had its own challenges, but I couldn’t imagine how isolating it would be to be a mom in a pandemic. As much as I imagined what life would be like as a mom, I didn’t get how much of a struggle it would be to reconcile “mommy” and me.

Mom life took me by storm. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks around Sis’s birth and it seemed like everyone’s world changed as swiftly as mine had. Honestly, it wasn’t actually swift, but the time that Postpartum Anxiety took from me feels like a blur. PPA shut off the rational part of my brain and makes everything seem like the worst thing. Working on my wellness feels like someone turned the lights back on. It’s like I was broken and now I’m back. I’m definitely not completely better but I’m functioning again! 

In coming back to life, I feel like I’ve missed so much! Not only do I miss my life before the pandemic, but I even miss my pregnant pandemic life before the baby. I miss flying out the door to go hang out with my friends on a 15 minute notice. (It takes me a minute to get dressed). I miss bars and Target runs that take all day. But most of all I miss being in the group.

Now I know I sound super whiny, but you have to understand that the pandemic actually gave me more time. I lived in a building with my friends or at least within a 5 block radius. It even gave me more time to FaceTime my friends at a distance. I may be an introvert but I LOVE being with MY people and the pandemic offered me that! Big belly and all. 

But having Sis changed my world. Or really, a crash in hormones changed my world. I spent the first 3 months of her life indoors. Chicago winters, the pandejo, and PPA made sure I didn’t go anywhere. They made sure I didn’t see anyone. And now that I’ve been working on being healthy, I’m ready to be with my people again but I’m realizing things have changed. My friends have new rhythms. I have to consider my daughter (and my boobs) in my plans. And my PPA is so fixed on the parabola that it tells me where I (& Sis) can go. 

As a new mom everyone tells you to savor these moments with your kiddo, but no one seems to mention grieving the moments with yourself. And I’m sure someone is thinking, “where is Sis’s daddy?!” He’s here. He’s helpful and supportive, but it’s different. He’s not whipping out his boob in Target! He’s not teeming with anxiety. And as supportive as he is, he’s not me. 

All the mom focused Instagram accounts talk about this loneliness. But let’s face it, IF YOU AINT A MOM YOU AINT FOLLOWING THEM! Which means you’re not prepared or at the very least informed until you’re in the throws of the thing. 

I know I’m not the first momma to feel the sting of baby made loneliness but I know for sure I won’t let this funk get the best of me! And as much I love Baby Sis, she cannot be my WHOLE world! So when it comes to getting back to myself, hanging out with my friends, and just enjoying life...